Yesterday at my post-post-radiation-mammogram-followup, my Rad Onc told me she was putting "Cancer-Free" in my chart. I felt a little weird about that. It sounds great, of course! But I tend to lean toward the more conservative "no evidence of disease". Cancer-free (as far as we know). No (detectable) cancer. Because really, that's as much as we can say for sure right now. It's a great thing, it's a lot and I feel very, very lucky and relieved; but how many other women have had this declaration of a clean slate and ended up recurring? At least some. I hope I will not be one of them.
Am I being too picky over details? Should I just embrace the cancer-free label? I'm in a positive frame of mind overall, and I tend to think of cancer as something I had last year. I'm not dwelling on it, and I don't have much scanxiety (or last Wednesday's mammo with repeated callbacks for closer pics of the "other" breast would have completely freaked me out) - I just have a stubbornly realistic streak. I hear "cancer-free" and I think it sounds like a promise nobody can make. It's probably true, and I intend to live happily assuming that it is until and unless there's evidence otherwise. But as they say, the only way you know for sure you've beaten cancer is when you die of something else.
I understand your comments. After my accident/brain injury, my perspective is one of transience and non-commital. I don't even tell people I will be somewhere without adding a "God willing." :-) However, I think it is a blessing too, because, really, anyone can die or be seriously injured at any time, and most go through life believing they are immortal and putting off tomorrow what they could do today. Now, for example, I won't decide not to invite someone over for coffee, just because my house isn't clean enough yet. Although some of my previous shyness/reticence has returned, I also am more likely to hug people, because they might not be there tomorrow to hug. I was so not a hugger before my accident. ;-) Your dance Sat. Night was beautiful, and I always enjoy your Facebook Posts and seeing you at Bellydance Events.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jahanara! It's always great to see you, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the "blessing" thing. I have so much more appreciation for just living in a body that works, and for the people around me. Life is short and unpredictable and we're meant to enjoy it.