My attitude

I’m getting told a lot lately that I have a great attitude, or that I’m really strong, brave, inspiring. I know the people who say it are sincere, and they mean well, but honestly I’m getting tired of hearing it. All I’m doing that’s apparently so amazing is continuing to live my life. Is it really that impressive that I get up and go to work 5 days a week? Because it’s the same thing I’ve been doing the entire time you’ve known me. You do it, too. Should I start congratulating you?

Okay, I get it that people are impressed that I’m working full-time during chemo. Or that I still do dance performances when I’m up to it. Either or both of those things could change, it’s still pretty early in my treatment. But seriously, the fact that my side effects so far are mostly restricted to the weekend after chemo and are minimal to nonexistent the rest of the time doesn’t mean I’m brave or amazing. It means I’m LUCKY. Most days I feel fine, so I continue to do the things that pay the bills and/or make me happy. Being amazed at that implies that I’m supposed to just lie down and die or something. So sometimes I just want to tell people to save the amazement for when I do something truly impressive, like cure cancer. :-)

The more I read about other women who have done AC, the more I think I truly am amazingly fortunate. My first treatment was harder than the second. I felt mildly queasy but pretty good the day of and the day after, then really crappy on the third day (Saturday), a little better the fourth day, and still mildly queasy but more or less okay days five and six; back to normal by day seven. (I timed it that way on purpose, so that the worst of it would be on weekends and not affect my work schedule.) When I went in for my second treatment my blood counts came back completely normal. The second treatment felt the same as the first for three days, but Sunday morning I felt absolutely fine. Yes, I’m bald, and I do have to be careful about sickness and infection, but so far the other side effects are just not that bad for me. So I’m not being brave, I’m just lucky, lucky, lucky.

Still, I’m aware that chemo fatigue is cumulative and will probably build on me the longer I’m in treatment. I have 2 more bi-weekly rounds of AC and then 12 weekly Taxol, and by the time I’m done with all of that I may be feeling like a hero for just getting out of bed in the morning. So I probably shouldn’t discourage anyone from calling me amazing just for showing up...in a few months that may be about all I can do.